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You’ve probably heard the song Man of Constant Sorrow, by the Soggy Bottom Boys. Well, let me introduce you to “Women of Constant Sorrow”, by the Soggy Bottom Girls – one very sad song I hear women sing every day.

I don’t know many people who wouldn’t want to improve their rear end. However, I think some women have the whole “out of sight out of mind” problem. Meaning, since they don’t see it, they kinda forget they should be working on it.

Trust me, I wasn’t so encouraged to do a bunch of lunges and squats until I went bikini shopping a few years back. I was mortified when I saw my butt in a 3-way mirror. At that time, I didn’t have a full length mirror at home and I had become comfortably plump after getting married. When I saw my bumpy saggy fat butt in the mirror, I practically RAN to the gym.

We can easily become obsessed with our stomach fat because we see it every day. Our butt, on the other hand, is not something we see all the time – but just because we don’t see it, doesn’t mean we should ignore it.

Cindy Crawford is a beautiful girl, but by the looks of this recent photo taken in Mexico, she has a serious case of the Saggy Bottom. To make sure you don’t start singing the Soggy Bottom Blues, you may need a butt check. Here are 5 surefire ways to get a bumpy, fatty, flabby, saggy bottom.

5 Sogging Bottom Makers

1. Sit all day. If you sit most of the day, you need to do serious weight training for the lower body to keep your but from totally deflating. Walking or jogging is helpful when it comes to burning calories, but only resistance training will fill out the butt muscles to make the bottom nice and round – and not flat as a pancake.

2. Run a lot. If you love to run, you may actually run your butt off – seriously. Runners burn so many calories, they often burn both fat and muscle. A perky bottom is only perky when it has muscle. If you run a lot, you should dedicate at least one day a week to training legs – especially glute and hamstring exercises.

3. Become a vegetarian. OK, not really, but if you love veggies more than meat, you likely are not eating enough protein to support valuable lean muscle mass. If you are working out, ACSM says you should have .5-.8gm of protein per pound of ideal bodyweight. Don’t talk yourself into thinking you eat a lot of protein until you actually add it up. Many people think they eat more than they do. Total your protein intake for the day and compare it to ACSM’s recommendation. (quick reference – 130lb woman: 65-104gms, 180lb man: 90-144gms)

4. Eat too much. This may seem like a no-brainer, but many people don’t realize how much their bottom would change if they reduced their calories. If you carry your weight on your hips or butt, you will greatly benefit from lowering your caloric intake. Since you gain fat in that area, you will also lose fat in that area when losing weight.

5. Eat too little. Just as some people can collect too much fat on their backside when they eat too much, the opposite can happen when someone eats too little. People who are not eating enough calories, or are not eating often enough, can burn both fat and muscle. As someone loses muscle, they lose the firmness and perkiness that went with it. With muscle loss, also comes a slower metabolism. By eating often, and getting enough protein, you can preserve muscle and a healthy metabolism.

Name that Celebrity Butt? 

ANSWERS & HOW I’D WHIP THIER BUTTS IN SHAPE:
(In the order of appearance) 

Brittany Spears – Britt needs to clean up her diet to get rid of some of that premature cellulite. I’d also have her doing a butt-load (pun intended) of cardio and a ton of glute and hamstring exercises. She would shape up fast because she’s young. She could totally have a rockin’ body.

Janice Dickinson – Someone’s been neglecting their body. Janice desperately needs to do some weight training to re-inflate her deflated derriere. I bet if she lifted heavy, she could totally change her physique and shave 10 years off that body. We would be doing a ton of squats and walking lunges, as well as a lot of one legged exercises to work her gluteus medius (#20 on the diagram, which is the upper part of the glutes) to round her butt back out where she’s flat on top. I’d also increase her protein intake so she can build the muscle she needs to lift her back up and to smooth out the dimply crepey skin.

Anna Kournikova – Obviously she’s doing everything right. This is what an healthy butt should look like – beautiful, plump and smooth! We could workout together! The key for this Biggest Loser Trainer will be for her to adjust her diet if her activity changes. Many time active people keep eating as if they are still as active as they once were. If her activity decreases, she’ll have to be more purposeful with her workouts as well as diet.

Tara Reid – This is what someone looks like when they have been on an extreme diet, or lost weight drastically, without training (or done a lot of drugs! ha!) Honestly, if I didn’t know this person, I’d just say she was, or still is, malnourished. She’d make massive improvements by starting a weight training program and improving the quality of her eating. She, like Janice, could probably lift pretty heavy and see some major improvement – but she won’t get that without adjusting her diet to support her training.

Kim Kardashian – I’d stick with mostly bodyweight exerises, conditioning and cardio with a low-calorie diet to help her lose the extra junk in the trunk, without losing her signature bottom. She’s got great skin, so it would super easy to whip her into amazing shape fast. However, if she lets that fanny get out of hand, it will just get bigger and bigger …and probably wider and wider, …and saggier and saggier. 

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Another beauty who’s backside isn’t a pretty as her face. I’d have Kim and Jen working out together! They both need cardio and conditioning and full body toning, however I’d have Jennifer doing more glute specific exercises to give her a much needed lift. Sorry Jen!